Crisis Journal: Entries XI-XIII
Monday 4.13.20
Now that the weather's been so nice, resisting the urge to break quarantine has been extremely difficult. Most of my friends keep me on track and advise me to stay inside whenever I get the urge to go out, but a couple of my friends that haven't been quarantining make it really hard since they're always out doing fun things that I know I would love to do. I guess the hardest part is that since I broke quarantine a few times before and had an amazing time, I kind of had an idea of what I'm missing out on. To keep myself busy, I still call my friends for most of the day. In fact, I've spent the past few nights falling asleep over video calls with one of the people in the server, and the server honestly seems to be growing more and more active as the quarantine continues (and since the creator of the server actually started staying awake long enough to participate in events). I was kind of concerned that all I would do throughout quarantine is binge-watch YouTube or something, but I honestly feel like I haven't been this social in a long time--I would always avoid conversation, but now I'm in a call almost all waking hours of the day. Here's my homie's cat, Gimbo.
I find myself going out of my way to help people recently, especially my friends. I'm not sure why I started doing this, and to be honest, it's probably not ideal for my mental health since I have a history of stretching myself thin for other people, but I'm happier than I've been in years, so I'm going to go ahead and keep on doing it, if I'm being perfectly honest. It's a little exhausting to make myself available for everyone, but I'm glad that people feel comfortable reaching out to me about some really personal issues, and it's rewarding seeing all of my friends happy for once--or at least actively working on trying to be happier.
On a less positive note, I still haven't adjusted to the remote learning schedule. The schedule changes depending on the day and flipped a bit from the first couple weeks of April, so I've been really confused as to how to keep up with the schedule, so I find myself rather confused most of the time. But honestly, that's nothing new. Maybe one day it'll make sense to me.
Wednesday 4.15.20
I looked out my window yesterday and saw snow. It was bizarre--the sun was out and shining, but these massive snowflakes were just kind of drifting around the air like big dust bunnies. For a moment, I thought it might be cottonwood since it was floating down so slowly and the weather was so nice out. Any time I see bizarre weather--or really anything bizarre happening in nature--I always think the world is about to end or something. In my lifetime, there have been maybe three times where I thought the world could potentially end and every time, it hasn't. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, to be honest.
My mum ordered "The Story of Mr. Sommer" for me to read. Since she's a neurobiologist, she's always telling me about some study about reading paperback books or sleeping in the dark being beneficial for my health because "blue light slows neuron myelination" or something. She told me it was hilarious, and that she remembers laughing out loud when she read it before I was born. I was hesitant, since it's illustrated and I haven't seen font that large since I was in fourth grade, but damn, that book is dark as hell. It starts out all light-hearted and fun and then suddenly the author talks about his realization as a young boy that the world is an evil place, and then he goes to literally try to kill himself before ultimately deciding not to. And then he watches an old man kill himself, does nothing to stop it, and realizes that no one actually cares since it took his small town two weeks to even notice that the old man was missing. I have no idea how my mum remembers this book as "funny." Not the wholesome storybook I was emotionally prepared for.
In other news, my health has plummeted once again. Honestly, I'm not even going to get into the symptoms and details at this point because I'm sick 90% of the time anyway. Literally no one is surprised. Honestly, the most shocking thing about my health is the fact that I haven't had to go to the emergency room or urgent care or whatever for like, four months, which is pretty rad. Towards the end of last year, Blue Cross actually had to call my mum because of how many ER visits we had. Yikes.
Friday 4.17.20
I wish I could say more about the past couple of days but I have been so irresponsible that I don't think I really should. I don't know that I believe in God, but I hope I can be forgiven for giving into my urges. Is it illegal now to go out during quarantine? I don't know, to be honest.
Now that the weather's been so nice, resisting the urge to break quarantine has been extremely difficult. Most of my friends keep me on track and advise me to stay inside whenever I get the urge to go out, but a couple of my friends that haven't been quarantining make it really hard since they're always out doing fun things that I know I would love to do. I guess the hardest part is that since I broke quarantine a few times before and had an amazing time, I kind of had an idea of what I'm missing out on. To keep myself busy, I still call my friends for most of the day. In fact, I've spent the past few nights falling asleep over video calls with one of the people in the server, and the server honestly seems to be growing more and more active as the quarantine continues (and since the creator of the server actually started staying awake long enough to participate in events). I was kind of concerned that all I would do throughout quarantine is binge-watch YouTube or something, but I honestly feel like I haven't been this social in a long time--I would always avoid conversation, but now I'm in a call almost all waking hours of the day. Here's my homie's cat, Gimbo.
I find myself going out of my way to help people recently, especially my friends. I'm not sure why I started doing this, and to be honest, it's probably not ideal for my mental health since I have a history of stretching myself thin for other people, but I'm happier than I've been in years, so I'm going to go ahead and keep on doing it, if I'm being perfectly honest. It's a little exhausting to make myself available for everyone, but I'm glad that people feel comfortable reaching out to me about some really personal issues, and it's rewarding seeing all of my friends happy for once--or at least actively working on trying to be happier.
On a less positive note, I still haven't adjusted to the remote learning schedule. The schedule changes depending on the day and flipped a bit from the first couple weeks of April, so I've been really confused as to how to keep up with the schedule, so I find myself rather confused most of the time. But honestly, that's nothing new. Maybe one day it'll make sense to me.
Wednesday 4.15.20
I looked out my window yesterday and saw snow. It was bizarre--the sun was out and shining, but these massive snowflakes were just kind of drifting around the air like big dust bunnies. For a moment, I thought it might be cottonwood since it was floating down so slowly and the weather was so nice out. Any time I see bizarre weather--or really anything bizarre happening in nature--I always think the world is about to end or something. In my lifetime, there have been maybe three times where I thought the world could potentially end and every time, it hasn't. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, to be honest.
My mum ordered "The Story of Mr. Sommer" for me to read. Since she's a neurobiologist, she's always telling me about some study about reading paperback books or sleeping in the dark being beneficial for my health because "blue light slows neuron myelination" or something. She told me it was hilarious, and that she remembers laughing out loud when she read it before I was born. I was hesitant, since it's illustrated and I haven't seen font that large since I was in fourth grade, but damn, that book is dark as hell. It starts out all light-hearted and fun and then suddenly the author talks about his realization as a young boy that the world is an evil place, and then he goes to literally try to kill himself before ultimately deciding not to. And then he watches an old man kill himself, does nothing to stop it, and realizes that no one actually cares since it took his small town two weeks to even notice that the old man was missing. I have no idea how my mum remembers this book as "funny." Not the wholesome storybook I was emotionally prepared for.
In other news, my health has plummeted once again. Honestly, I'm not even going to get into the symptoms and details at this point because I'm sick 90% of the time anyway. Literally no one is surprised. Honestly, the most shocking thing about my health is the fact that I haven't had to go to the emergency room or urgent care or whatever for like, four months, which is pretty rad. Towards the end of last year, Blue Cross actually had to call my mum because of how many ER visits we had. Yikes.
Friday 4.17.20
I wish I could say more about the past couple of days but I have been so irresponsible that I don't think I really should. I don't know that I believe in God, but I hope I can be forgiven for giving into my urges. Is it illegal now to go out during quarantine? I don't know, to be honest.
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